Library Collections: Document: Full Text


A Chapter From Real Life. By A Recovered Patient

Creator:  L.
Date: February 1854
Publication: The Opal
Source: New York State Library

Previous Page   Next Page   All Pages 


Page 2:

6  

I reached the Asylum more dead than alive, and I surely believe had my reason been then as suddenly restored as it was fourteen weeks afterward, I should have died immediately from sheer exhaustion.

7  

I liked the face of Dr. B., the moment I saw it. I thought I had found a friend, and I fancied that when my parents were once my parents were once gone he would allow me to go without eating. That I soon found myself mistaken, need not be told in regard to doing as I pleased, but I was wise enough to submit without any struggle, or even coaxing, much to his astonishment I am sure as it has since been to mine.

8  

I believe I behaved very consistently in some respects, I thought I was the evil spirit in the form of woman. So I frankly told the attendants and patients what I was, but at the same time out of respect to the company I was in, I behaved as well as I knew how. I thought it wicked however to attempt to look as well as other people, so I would not dress my hair, in order to look as much like the evil one as I could in that particular. I thought the Doctors fancied ma a fool, but that their duties to patients compelled them to treat me politely, so I would not speak to them save in monosyllables, and in reply to questions. I thought I deserved to suffer pain, because I caused others to be sick, and I passed hours in intense physical agony, when I might have been relived had I told the torture I experienced from neuralgia, and a spinal affection. I have held my fingers under scalding water until the skin pealed from the tips of them, but the thought of bathing was cruelty itself, it seemed at home when water was poured upon me that every drop was a coal of fire. I was not consistent in one respect, for I was grieved at the misery I saw others endure. I tried to comfort them. I knew they were insane, that were any one else to tell the same story I did, I should pronounce it insanity of the most inveterate kind. I often wished I was insane instead of a fiend. I could detect a hypocrite then as well as now, and in twenty-four hours after my arrival saw an attendant practice a mean act of deception upon the Doctors which other patients did not suspect, or if they did cared nothing about it. I did, for it is in small things people betray their real character, thenceforth I set her down as one not to be trusted, and did not respect, or care for her, but clung to Miss P.

9  

I finally ceased speaking to my delusions, save to attendants. I did not attend religious worship, thinking it ridiculous and wicked for me to go. The evil one in Chapel! thought I, but I was at last persuaded to attend one Sabbath, and can well remember the sickness of heart which stole over me when listening to the old familiar tones I had sung so often in Church.

10  

I would not dance, or join in any amusement. I am passionately fond of reading, but would not ask for a book. I loved to write and my brains seemed like a boiling caldron, my mind was perfectly clear, save on one topic, my memory never more retentive and all days usually observed as holidays at home were marked and called forth many bitter tears. The least act towards a patient which seemed harsh or unkind would make every nerve thrill and I endeavored to atone for it by special attention.

11  

Thanksgiving day came and some charm seemed to linger about it. While eating dinner, for the first time in months a gleam of hope shone in my heart, it faded as soon, but I felt better for it. I went to Chapel, returned to the Hall in very good spirits and conversed with a visitor from another Hall for a long time upon amusing topics, in the evening danced and astonished the patients by singing tunes for others to dance after. Next day had a long fit of weeping over my wickedness and met sorrowful glances from my friends when they saw me "thus changed from yesterday's cheerfulness" as they expressed it. After dinner while sitting alone in my room with tears hung fast upon my work, came like light from heaven a change. The lightning's flash is not more brilliant or rapid than the revulsion of feelings which swept over me then. I sat for a few moments benumbed, paralyzed, breathless, then as if it were a sane self-speaking to an insane one, I reasoned thus "You have been insane, very insane, your stories about yourself are all insane delusions, your fear of choaking will convince you of that, you were near death when you came here you are well or nearly so now." I was very weak and faint for a few moments after this and things seemed dark and strange, as when recovering from a fall, or severe blow, then I rallied but could not take another stitch correctly.

12  

Went and in an excited manner, told Miss P--- how I was, and she seemed at a loss to know whether I was better or worse. I was dumb when I most wished for words. It seems like a miracle now that wondrous transformation. I have for a few days tasted happiness as exquisite as is ever permitted to mortals to enjoy.

Previous Page   Next Page

Pages:  1  2  3    All Pages