Library Collections: Document: Full Text

Many patients were received and discharged, while I was there, who never had five minutes conversation with the Doctors while in the Asylum. Often the new arrival would come to me and inquire:

"When am I to have an examination?" I would reply, "You never have an examination after you get here, for the Doctor receives you on the representation of those who want you should stay here."

"But I never had any examination before I came, and even did not know where I was being brought, until I got here, and then my friends told me I should have an examination after I arrived."

"I believe you are speaking the truth; for public sentiment seems to allow, that one whom we wish to regard as insane, may be deceived and lied to to any extent with impunity; and besides the blinded public generally suppose that the inmates do all have to pass an examination here before they are received, which is not the fact. They take it for granted that all are of course insane, or they would not be brought here, as Dr. Tenny said of me to Mrs. Waldo, in reply to her inquiry:

"Dr. Tenny, do you call Mrs. Packard an insane person?"

"Of course I do, or she would not be brought here," was his reply.

And then the outsiders say, 'Of course they are insane, or they would not have been received."

Thus our insanity is demonstrated beyond, a question! After dinner I saw from the grated window of my cell, the Asylum carriage drive up in front of the steps, when Mr. Packard was politely handed in, and the carriage drove off. Upon inquiry, I found he had gone to ride, to see the beauties of the scenery about Jacksonville, and the public buildings and handsome residences.

"Oh," thought I, "why could he not have invited me to ride with him? And how could he seek comfort for himself, while he left his wife amid scenes of such wretchedness?"

Not long after, my attendant came to my room and invited me to take a walk. I most gladly accepted the invitation, struggling and panting as my spirit was, for freedom; and I found that the pure air alone exerted an exhilarating influence over my feelings, and I with another prisoner, proposed to walk about the buildings, to see the grounds, etc.

But we soon found ourselves followed by our watchful attendant, to see if we were not trying to run off!

"Oh," said I," is this the vigilance that I am subjected to? Is there no more freedom outside of our bolts and bars, than within them? Are we not allowed to be paroled like prisoners?"

"No, no. No parole of honor is allowed these prisoners, for not one moment are we allowed to be out of sight and hearing of our vigilant attendant. And these are the walks and circumscribed limits Mr. Packard has assigned his wife, while he can roam where he pleases, with none to molest or make him afraid."

It is my opinion that this institution receives and retains many sane persons, of whose sanity Dr. McFarland is as well assured as he was of my own. I do believe that he became fully convinced in his heart that I was not insane, before our interview terminated, for he once plainly intimated he never should have received me had he been at home. But since I had been already received by his assistant, he did not like to revoke his decision so abruptly as to return me directly into my husband's hands; neither did he wish to disappoint the wishes nor thwart the plans of a very respectable and popular minister of high standing in the Presbyterian church, for by this act he might possibly alienate some popular influences from his support; and one other thought may have had some influence over this decision (and will not my reader pardon my vanity if I mention it?) namely, I think the intelligent Doctor thought he would like to become better acquainted with me.

By thus retaining me for a few days, he felt that I could then be returned to the satisfaction of all parties.

His subsequent polite attentions, and the remark he made to me at one of these interviews, viz,: "Mrs. Packard, you will not remain here many days," in connection with a remark he made Mrs. Judge Thomas, of Jacksonville, respecting me has led me to feel that I did not then misjudge him. The remark was this:

"Mrs. Thomas, we have a very remarkable patient now in our Asylum. It is a Mrs. Packard, a clergyman's wife, from Massachusetts. She has a high order of talent, has a very superior education, is polished and refined in her manners, having ever moved in the best society, and is the most intelligent lady I ever saw. I think you would like to make her acquaintance."

CHAPTER VII.
The Parting Scene.

The next day I had a brief interview with the Doctor alone in my room, which was very pleasant and satisfactory to me -- that is, I thought he could not think I was an insane person, therefore I had a little ray of hope to cling to, as Mr. Packard had not yet left. Dr. McFarland did not exchange a word with me upon this subject. But this dying hope was destined very soon to go out in utter darkness.